It always calls. No matter how much you want to ignore it, you feel the pull and you end up being back before you even know it. Now, I find myself in Haven again and looking around at mostly females. Most semi familiar but still strangers just recently started dribbling into town. Now...all I can do is sit in the chair surrounded by so many chairs but only holding a single soul..mine. Sighing, my head drops to my hand with eyes puffy from the tears that ended up coming after having a fight with an old friend. I can't stand myself..I try so hard not to heap all the blame on myself but the words that are spoken to me..I'll always feel nothing but blame. Everything I do ends badly. All I do I realize is hurt so many. My eyes itch from the tears burning to control and trying to wipe at your eyes and sniffle makes it hard to not be noticed. But I'm ignored which is all good. I don't care what she said to me..I'm not there seeking attention. I don't want their attention. I don't....No..no..we can't dwell on shit. No...no...we're not going to go back there and start feeling sorry for ourselves. We're going to put on a smile and look normal. Don't look them in the eye..they'll notice.

My eyes shifts towards the windows to my right and I find myself looking towards the library again..so many times I stands infront, aching to go up those steps and get a book. Sit in the chairs I miss...but I can't. I want to but I can't..I'm not welcome there. Least this is what I feel. And she's made it clear I'm not wanted around. She can protect him all she wants..I'm tired of hurting those I care about. Keep a distance. That's what's best. Stop being scared. Stop worrying about the possibility of someone showing up. I've not seen them yet so I doubt I'll ever see them again and every time I open up that damn photo album, there they are to bring back the memories and feelings. No..they'll never understand and I'm going to always hate myself for what happened.

No...they're not going to be around for me to worry about. Not going to just step out of the library anytime soon. Its been easier when I don't stay long there. My visits lessening because of my stupid fears. Only one person now that wants me and I can't fuck up this time. I can't loose this one..

"Damn it. Stop it. Just stop now." My own voice sounds raspy from trying to control my emotions and before long my head tips down into my hand and rub my eyes to dry them, to hide my face from those around me. "Your a demon and you'll just keep doing what you need to do. Get stronger. Forget the pain. Forget the anger." I hate the sound of my voice I realize and give my head a shake. Sighing, I find myself dreading the time I'm by myself. Stupid head. Why can't you just shut up. I start thinking then a thought comes to me. Do I have my knife on me? I wonder if there's anyone around the cemetery because I have a need to cultivate some shrums again..I think its time to kill the pains and stop being so damn emo.

Its its to think of stupid things when you're on your own and this is how I spend the next few hours, slipping out of the bar over to the graveyard, where I dig around for the mushrooms that made me freak out...Perhaps its time to lock up the humanity and embrace the beast more.