Constant Discord

Pacing...its all that ever comes. Months, days, hours...years. All there is to do it seems it pace, wander. Constant motion. And when there's rest....All she wanted was to be happy. To be loved. Was it too hard to understand that she only wanted was to be one? The sand burned under her bare feet and the glare off the water brought tears to her already red eyes. Do demons cry? Seems all she ever did was this anymore. When was the last time she'd been truly happy? Her heart always heavy. She'd sat on that boat but months back and stared at a picture frame until her stomach hurt and her heart turned heavy. Seeing one pale face after another...always the same. How could she compete with someone like that. She thought what she did was the right thing....and all she did was alienate everyone around her even more by her choices.

Eyes burn again but this time the tears are of another thing entirely. She turns and sits at the edge of the pool and looks down, watching swimming the life it holds as her cheeks become damp with those tears. She kept seeing one face then another..even now her heart was pulled two different ways and she found it so hard to handle anymore....all she wanted was to be loved by one..to be that one's ONLY love...Shoving the heels of her palms into her eyes she tries to stop the burning, the itching that the tears brought. The heat..Her shoulders slump and she gives a soulful sigh. "I am so sorry.." Those words is something familiar on her tongue though so many finds no reason to believe and she wondered why she even cared. A demon shouldn't care what others thought. A demon shouldn't have to put up with things...a demon shouldn't care at all...yet she did..does..and always will..

Her friend..how she missed her. The lisp, the cheery moods that she always was in. She found herself feeling homesick...Home...is there such a thing for her? How long does she have to run away. Run from those she hurts. Those she loves..thoses that hurt her...Again, the hands rub at her hands and she finds herself bursting into tears. This time their harder then just the memories of fallen dreams. Twisted hopes...She glances back over her shoulder at the one that keeps her now. Not a master or a slave...the pale features closed in slumber, hair of snow fallen over his cheek as he lies there. Demons and angels...light and dark...she felt like she was caught in the middle, not sure which way to go. Severus had always been kind to her. And she was full of curiousity...she tried. Tried to tell him to leave her. Those words.."Not worthy of anyone's love." still burned in her mind as she stood there listening to her tell her this, the one person she looked up to, and deep down she wondered if it was true.

Restlessness. Pacing. Here. There. Wandering a path. Walking a mile. Restlessness.....She didn't even know she'd risen and begun to wander around, circling the spinning pool, gone to the fire to watch the salamanders feast on ash. If she'd thrown her heart in there, would they die of corruptness? A dirty arm wraps itself over her chest, the ache so deep it felt lodged with a spike. A demon depressed. Ridiculous yet there she stood, proof. She'd never be happy...she hated making choices. She hated caring. Loving. Emotions.....why couldn't she just turn them off?!

Nerissa finds herself further down, not even realizing she'd jumped off the ledge to travel to the lower portions of the Dream. Was it a dream? Or..was it a nightmare? What was what? Why?...Her thoughts couldn't stand still because they always turned to the one that'd longed for. She wish she'd had more patientence...why couldn't she of just waited. Accepted she'd never be just one love...A demon wanting a monogomous relationship..She was a fool now she sees. Denny come to mind again and instantly her chest tightened up and she drops to the sand, slumping so stringy curls spilled. Maybe, if she'd sit there long enough, under the sun, she'd bleach away to nothing but bones and bits of threads and tattered clumps of dull red hair. Maybe, if she'd sit there long enough, the ravens would come and peck on her until she was nothing but a pile of bones and a broken mind...

"I don't want to hear anymore sob stories. I'm tired of it." Those words still cut into her. She tried to keep her thoughts to herself. Tried not to think of his words afterwards and then the sand under her holds drops of darkness as more tears fall. She should never of let herself be comforted when she was just so lonely. Never should of let herself be held. Should of left when she felt all her friends turn her backs on her. Shadows pulling away and making her feel a pale shadow of who she use to be. Her red rimmed eyes looks to the right and spots the book still in the shade, the tattered, thread bare ribbon sticking out like a faded tongue. She sniffs loudly and rubs her eyes dry once more to focus them better. "No pain no gain..." she whispers to herself and looks down at the curved blade strapped to her thigh. Fingers pulling the straps to free it, she still could feel its kiss against her skin when she drew it across. Bleed the pain out. The misery. The heart ache. To...just...bleed away what she is..